


Can't Go Back

by thegreatficmaster



Series: Supernatural Collection [101]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Arguing, F/M, Gen, M/M, Reader-Insert, Regret, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 02:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20268886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatficmaster/pseuds/thegreatficmaster
Summary: Dean finds himself back where he should be. But Y/n isn’t with him.





	Can't Go Back

“No. No. NO!”

Dean frantically scratched at the floor, the doorway, anything he could get to, so he could get back to you.

He turned back to Sam, eyes pouring with tears, not caring who saw him.

“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?”

Sam swallowed hard, his heart pounding as the rage poured out of Dean.

“I…I did what I had to”, he stuttered, knowing Dean wasn’t going to accept this. 

Not with you still there.

“You…yo-you…”

Dean choked on his words, his vision completely blurred as he felt his heart break.

He ran to Sam, pushing him aside as he flipped through the book that sat on the table.

Minutes felt like hours as he looked for something. 

Anything.

But there was nothing.

Nothing he could do.

Nothing anyone could do.

Not Rowena. 

Not Castiel. 

Not Crowley. 

Probably not even Chuck.

He messed up. 

God, he messed up so bad.

Now, he couldn’t get you back.

Now, he couldn’t fix what he’d done.

Dean had been saved, but you were left behind.

You sat on the couch, eyes closed as you held Dean’s shirt, breathing in his scent.

You held back the tears, knowing it wouldn’t make any sort of difference.

Two years.

Two years since Dean had left.

Since he disappeared.

God, was he saved?

Or did he just leave you like he said he would?

A sob escaped you, just thinking about what he’d said.

_“Dean, maybe…maybe this isn’t the worst thing…”_

_His head snapped back, glaring at you, making you shrink away._

_“What the hell does that mean? We’re in the fucking 1900’s and you’re telling me you wanna stay?”_

_You averted your eyes, sighing softly._

_“I just mean-no one knows who we are. No one knows you’re Dean Winchester. We can-we can have a life here. Maybe settle down…”_

_You knew he wasn’t going to go for it. _

_He was Dean Winchester. _

_He tried to settle down with some woman a few years ago and that didn’t work._

_It seemed after that, he gave up on anything real._

_But…you were here. _

_You’d been here for months now._

_How long that actually was in the present, you had no clue._

_But you didn’t see yourselves getting back to the future anytime soon._

_Truth be told, you were kind of glad that someone had sent you into the past._

_Sure, at first it was difficult._

_The technology was completely different. _

_The world was completely different and so were the people._

_After two months of living in a little motel, you both decided to get a small apartment._

_Then time just kept passing._

_Dean held onto hope that you’d make it back._

_That he’d make it back to Sam and Cas._

_But you…you weren’t so keen on that._

_The hunter’s life was wearing down on you._

_You weren’t the daydreaming type._

_Not at all._

_You had no illusions about what you could and couldn’t have in this life._

_So, when you realized you’d probably be stuck here forever, you gave up trying._

_You wanted to stay here._

_You wanted to stay here, with Dean._

_You wanted a life._

_But now he made it blatantly clear that he wanted nothing to do with you._

_“You know what, y/n? You’re selfish. That’s what you are. A selfish piece of shit. You think I’m just gonna…what? Settle down? Forget about my brother, for you? Forget about what I was raised to do, forget about everything, just so we can live some fantasy life?”_

_You tried your hardest to drown out his harsh words. _

_This wasn’t him. _

_This was the stress. _

_This was the anger from being sent back to 1944. _

_This was the pain he felt from being apart from his brother._

_You tried your best to believe it wasn’t him, but the words kept coming._

_“If you want this so badly, then stay. You stay here…on your own. Cos there’s no damn way I’m letting you drag me into your pathetic fantasy life. I have important things to get back to, like my brother. So, I’m sorry if I’m not gonna drop everything for…this”._

_The way he pointed back and forth between you, making your relationship seem like something that was so…burdening to him, broke your heart._

_You watched as Dean looked at you, face scrunched up in disgust, before he stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door with such force that the walls shook._

That was the last you saw of him.

He never came back.

Never came to collect his clothes. 

Never came to say goodbye.

At first, you thought he was just staying away.

Then you thought, maybe he was rescued. 

Maybe they found a way to get him back.

But then the realization crossed your mind.

If they found a way to bring Dean back, why would they leave you?

No. 

Dean wasn’t saved. 

He’d left you. 

Left you in this practically foreign world. 

Left you alone.

And if that wasn’t the worst kind of pain you’d ever felt, you didn’t know what was.

You put the shirt down, the smell of Dean still lingering as you made your way over to the phonograph.

You slid the record out of the cover, placing it down gently as the music began playing.

You smiled as the sound of Frank Sinatra filled the room.

This song was so painful, yet such a release.

You began mumbling along to the song, thinking of Dean with each line.

> ** _Darling, I’m so blue without you_ **
> 
> ** _I think about you the live-long day_ **
> 
> ** _When you ask me if I’m lonely_ **
> 
> ** _Then I only have this to say_ **

Though years had passed, Dean was still your first and last thought every day.

You’d been with him for three years.

Might not seem like much, but your memories seemed to have only consisted of the times you spent with him for some reason.

Now you were alone. 

Completely and utterly alone.

He’d really left you like he said he would.

Probably found a life as a hunter. 

Or maybe he managed to settle down now, had a few kids.

You wondered if you’d ever cross paths with him.

No. 

He hated you now. 

That’s why he’d left you here.

He’d never want to see you again.

> ** _You’ll never know just how much I miss you_ **
> 
> ** _You’ll never know just how much I care_ **
> 
> ** _And if I tried, I still couldn’t hide my love for you_ **
> 
> ** _You ought to know, for haven’t I told you so_ **
> 
> ** _A million or more times?_ **

Why weren’t you enough?

Why couldn’t your love for him be enough, that he’d want to try with you? 

Try for a normal life?

Did he even know you loved him?

You said it. But then again, Dean thought you were selfish.

He probably thought your love wasn’t real.

> ** _You went away and my heart went with you_ **
> 
> ** _I speak your name in my every prayer_ **
> 
> ** _If there is some other way to prove that I love you_ **
> 
> ** _I swear I don’t know how_ **
> 
> ** _You’ll never know if you don’t know now_ **

Dean left you here, alone.

He just didn’t know he took your heart with you.

You gave up praying.

If Chuck couldn’t be bothered stopping his sons from almost ending the world, why would he care about you?

Cas wasn’t listening either.

You just wished, just hoped, that somewhere, wherever he was, Dean thought of you.

> ** _You’ll never know just how much I miss you_ **
> 
> ** _You’ll never know just how much I care_ **
> 
> ** _You said goodbye; no stars in the sky refuse to shine_ **
> 
> ** _Take it from me: it’s no fun to be alone_ **
> 
> ** _With moonlight and memories_ **

You drank down the scotch, letting it burn as it slid down your throat.

Lighting the matchstick, you lit the candle, prodding it into the little birthday cake you managed to bake for yourself.

Smiling softly, you made the same wish.

_‘Please, let me find my love once more’._

Blowing it out, a tear slipped out of your eye.

You sat back down on the couch, glass in your hand as you stared at the door.

This was your routine.

Whenever you weren’t at work, you’d simply sit there, waiting for the doorknob to rattle and someone to walk through the door, green eyes staring into yours as an apology and proclamation of love came from him.

You had no idea how long you’d have to wait for it, but you knew you’d do it till your dying breath.

Dean knew where he was going.

He found the town.

Found the exact apartment you were living in.

It was now a police station, but he could see the similarities in the building and the surroundings.

Small things. Certain trees. The simple feeling of standing there.

He sighed, holding the flowers as he walked a few blocks until he was so close to you.

He walked in, praying to anyone that they’d help him.

Send him back again and let him fix everything.

All the while, he got closer and closer, until he stood in front of you.

He smiled, tears already falling as he sniffled, trying to keep himself from bursting into tears and bawling.

He knelt down, staring right at you with a small smile.

“Hi”, he whimpered, unable to hold back anymore as a sob escaped him.

He thought of how he left things with you. 

The last fight. 

The way he was so focussed on anything but you during the last few months.

Dean fell to his knees, weeping for you as he clutched the soft blades of grass in his fingers, needing something to hold onto.

His tears soaked into the earth below him, the wind slowly caressing him, soft and gentle.

He lifted his head, looking at the empty headstone, apart from the simple _‘Y/N Y/L/N-19__TH MARCH 1952’._

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

You were supposed to be alive. You were supposed to be with him.

And when it was time for the two of you to go, you’d go together.

Not like this.

Not…not like this.

Dean hated himself.

He should’ve stayed.

He should’ve kept his calm and talked it out.

He never should’ve just left.

He called you selfish. 

Called you pathetic. 

Practically called your relationship worthless.

But none of that was true.

You were…are the love of his life.

He should’ve settled down with you.

Maybe if he’d stayed, he could’ve had what he wanted.

Love.

As long as he had you, he would’ve been ok.

But his anger was always his downfall.

He let his rage and desperation get the best of him.

And now here he was, perfectly fine, back with his brother.

But you weren’t with him.

You were six feet under.

You were gone.

And you died thinking he hated you.

He fucked up so bad.

He was so used to making up with you.

A few words, an apology and some grovelling would lead to your bodies tangled together, panting as you whispered words of love.

But that wouldn’t happen now.

He couldn’t take back those words. 

Couldn’t take back his reaction.

He just couldn’t get you back.


End file.
